Toxic Relationships
Just as volcanic explosions throw toxic material into the air, scattering it far and wide, toxic relationships send their nastiness into our lives and the lives of those around us.
What is a toxic relationship? Physical and sexual abuse are often the first ones that come to mind. These forms of abuse are deeply injurious and can impact the victim for years after the abuse is over. However, those are not the types of toxic relationships I will be discussing. Sexual and physical abuse is something best worked out with a qualified therapist and does not come into the coaching work I do.
The toxic relationships I think about are the situations where you go away feeling less than, shamed, blamed or the recipient of someone else’s misplaced anger.
So let’s have a look at those toxic interactions. There’s that friend, maybe one you’ve had for years. You are always glad to see her and yet when you get home you feel little bit down. You are not sure why but something is awry.
I had a friend like that. She was lots of fun to be with and yet there was often a dig disguised as a joke.Remarks about my clumsiness or my personality that were never rude, they just weren’t kind.
Now, I’d like to say I was a better person and did not reciprocate. However, that would be untrue. We met in our early twenties and developed a relationship of jabs, sarcasm and put downs that was serving neither of us well.
Ultimately we realized that we just weren’t good for one another and let the friendship go. It was hard. I still love her , I just got to the place where I didn’t like her nor myself when I was with her.
And that result is often what happens when you recognize that the relationship is toxic.
Most of us are quite resistant to change and will be slow to stop doing those things that others find disagreeable. Sometimes, the threat of ending the relationship will force the change, sometimes it won’t.
However, if you make the threat you need to be prepared to carry it out.
When the toxic stuff is part of your family it can be hard to set boundaries and refuse to participate in the stew of nastiness. It may be you need to limit your contact for starters. And if the nastiness comes fast and furious – leave.
A great way to handle it is to put your hand up in the stop position and say: if you keep doing this I am leaving. I won’t be spoken to like this. If the abuse continues then you leave.
Will it be easy? Probably not the first time, or even two or three times after that, but eventually you will be able to just walk away. Once people know you are serious they will reluctantly respect it.
If they chose not to respect your boundaries, even if it’s family you may need to severely restrict your contact.
Nowhere is it written that thou shall take abuse.
There are literally hundreds of other examples from the work place, in your home, your place of worship or even the gym. In each instance, there is no excuse for the abuse.
There are no good reasons to stay in a toxic relationship.
If you think you are involved in a toxic situation and need assistance to make decisions around it, give me a call.